And the Many Shall Become One.... or something like that.

As I may have alluded to previously, I've been cleaning out the attic room in my parents' house so that I can store all of my belongings in there, and get them out of the living room that they've been sitting in since April. In the process of moving things up there, I've gotten the chance to come across possessions that I've completely forgotten about since living back at home; ones that I couldn't live without on my own. There have also been pictures from the past, showing myself as a younger, more mischievous and dashing (if I do say so myself!) little schmoozer as well as toys, old papers from high school... all different snapshots of my life.

There is this popular notion that we only show one or two facets of ourselves to other people. There are certain ways we act around certain people, depending on our relationship with them or what the social etiquette of the situation dictates. Therefore, few people rarely see all of our different personalities. I've been having a sort of 'jolting' experience recently, going through things. I've been able to reminisce on the kind of person I grew up being, how I  behaved and what I felt about certain things. There was a necessity that predicated the use of certain things in my apartment that is nonexistent now, and I've realized I had to be a different sort of person when I lived on my own. In fact, I've had to be a different person for myself in every aspect of my life. I've just never really thought about how those different people are all still me. Of course, I've changed over time, and there are certain things about myself that I choose to leave behind. After all, how would I grow then? Essentially, I've been having this great opportunity to look back on the different experiences and shades of my personality, glean what I can from the bad ones and discard them, move forward and consolidate, until all the best parts of myself are left. Those are the parts that God then takes and shapes.

And man, he's been doing a lot of  shaping recently.

It's amazing what Christians can learn from people who don't believe in God, isn't it? In this book about Liberty University that I'm reading, the author (who's not Christian) spends a semester at Liberty learning about what really goes on, how people and the 'system' work in such an isolated environment. And you know what he does? He finds the merit in praying and starts doing it for at least half an hour a day! Mind you, he still doesn't really believe in the power that prayer works through our lives on a spiritual level, but he dedicates a half an hour every day to praying for any and everyone he can think of. How many Christians do that?! I certainly don't, and here I am getting schooled by someone who doesn't even believe in Jesus. God has been taking moments like these, taking the best parts of my life, and holding them up to me, as in a mirror. He's challenging me, urging me to take it a step further. My prayer life is one facet. My relationship with Peggy is another. My church life is a further one.

I can't express how difficult it has been to find a home church. First, I must stress that, for a number of years, I didn't go to church consistently at all. The growth in my faith happened chiefly between myself and God. It was another facet of my life that didn't really branch into any community, but now I've found a church that has that and, though it is not traditional, I am confident in this place. Here again, God has been holding up a mirror to me, saying 'This is how far you've come, and it's fantastic. Now, take it up a notch'. It was a struggle at first, and I let doubt creep in, reverting to my old ways and lacking self-confidence, worrying about the repercussions of my decision. It's been a mini-culmination of this experience that's come to light in me recently. I say 'mini', because it's still going on and always will be. But it's certainly been a culmination, and a culmination of blessings at that. My eyes have been opened to the blessings in my life more recently than ever before, and it is the realization of these blessings that have allowed me to start blending my joys together and allow the shaping of my soul to escalate. From the furtherence of my prayer life, to the absolutely inspiring blessing that is my girlfriend, to the assurance of community, I can see all of these combining and leading back to one person: God, the One it is all centered around. As it should be.What greater purpose can there be than to live life fully and completely, with ALL of who you are, for the One who created and redeemed you, to be a beacon for that grace and love to everyone you encounter?

On a somewhat different, but still connected, note, isn't fall amazing? Actually, I prefer 'autumn', as it's a much more poetic term. You can't deny that these days of autumn immediately bring back memories of years before. Somehow, we always remember the best things, like apple orchards, cider, changing leaves, the smell! and seek to relive them and share them with the people around us. Sounds suspiciously familiar... that old know-it-all up there! What a ridiculously funky and amazing God we have.

Someone find me a Man!

So, I'm reading this book called 'The Unlikely Disciple', about a guy's one-semester reconnaisance mission to discover what really goes on at Liberty University (read: ultra-conservative, young-creation literalistic teaching mecca that strives to prepare the up-and-coming Christian to confront our individualistic, selfish world). It's a fascinating read, and already I've asked myself a huge question: why the hell haven't I done what these kids do? I'm a Christian, right? I pray, I do devotions and study my bible, right? Well, that last bit is only partly true: I had a heck of a time getting into doing devotions and reading the bible. And that's what frustrated me. Still frustrates me. Devotions are not easy to get into, and for some reason there's a smokescreen in the way of picking up that bible every day. Even with the ability to have any book/verse of the bible at my fingertip in seconds, I've rarely taken advantage.

And don't get me started on bible studies. I still have yet to find one and stick with it. What's my issue? Every one I've been to has been great, full of good people and good messages. I go a few weeks, don't go back again. I can't seem to shake my restlesness and settle. Or is that really it? Maybe I feel that, if I pick one and stick to it, I'm settling. Also, I have the hardest time talking to guys. Girls are easy, because they listen freely and somehow know exactly what to say. But I don't need another girl to listen to me, I need a guy to.  Someone who knows what I know, who struggles with what I struggle with. Guys just don't really fit into that mold, though, and I'm frankly insecure around other Christian men to the point where I feel ridiculous talking about myself and my struggles. Nevertheless, the need is there, and it is starting to overflow.

What do I have to do to find a good guy mentor around here, huh?

The kids at schools like Liberty have it so easy. Their lives on campus are structured around that kind of community. I'm not saying I'd go to Liberty, but man I want that structure so in-your-face in my life I want to scream. It's so much harder to do what is necessary for your personal spiritual fulfillment when you're right in the middle of the real world and have never had that. High school didn't provide that for me. Concordia didn't provide that for me, sad to say. Yes, I made wonderful friends and the opportunity was there, but I don't feel like I ever grabbed at it. If I had, I'd have much closer connections to my guy friends from there but the closest I get is a phone call every month or so. Lame. But Concordia never forced me to be accountable. I need to be forced, and I want to be forced.

I've been a bit of a loner in my Christian faith in a lot of ways, and having not had a stable church for years and having to deal with the things I've dealt with made it so easy for me to just bear it on my own. Tackle the problems with just me and God, one-on-one in the fighting rink. Really, that worked out pretty well towards it's purpose. But now I've grown and evolved, and God is telling me that it's time to get out there and share the wealth, maybe receive a little (ok, a LOT) in return. But it's hard for me to do. It's hard to ask for help, to show vulnerability and trust to another man. Also, I've had to do my fair share of making decisions about my faith and whether to trust in God or in my own abilities. Simple answer in the end, really. But now I'm having to make choices within the spiritual sphere and it's a lot more difficult. I know that I should just let God decide, and in the end I know that'll end up happening in a way that will be revealed retrospectively. But I'm so impatient to find other men to talk with and so scared at the same time that I'm being pulled two different directions. I think I'm screwing myself over.

I found my Confirmation verse the other day; it's Psalm 27:1: 'The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid...' Can you say 'punctual delivery from God'? Well, message received. First of all, I find it powerful and a little funny how much that verse seems to be meant for me. Secondly, I guess it's time to stop being afraid... of myself. Guys don't like to give up control, but we're all incapable of control in the end. The only real control in our lives comes from God, who gives us the ability to handle the trials we encounter for the purpose of realizing and reflecting his glory. To reflect His glory brings about the emergence of one's deepest joy, and that's where the mark or a true man of God comes from. So here I am, taking a leap of faith in my journey to deep love, saying that I'm ready for a Godly intervention. It's time to lose control and get me some manly fellowship, so I can be manly in all the right ways.

My Greatest Fear

One of the great delights in my life right now is getting to live at home and spend so much time with my family. Having lived on my own for so long before, it was pretty difficult to run straight back into the chaos that is my family and our home. And it really is chaotic sometimes. We have a huge issue with teaching Micah how to change bad habits. Hence, messes and piles tend to build up pretty quickly here. Add to that that Dad does pretty much the same thing (Micah inhereted his trends), and it's usually not clean here. We've worked very hard to change these habits, but I think it'll be a while before the right ways really sink in. They will, though! I have faith that things will continue to get better and better for my family and God's grace is showing in so many small ways.  There's just that one little issue... Micah.

See, Micah doesn't change. It's extremely difficult for him. This puts some stress into my family as he can be very difficult to deal with when things change and he can't figure out how to adapt. I've been thinking about Micah a lot lately, because there are going to be changes coming up soon that will shake up his world, and I don't know how he will handle it. I'm going to be leaving the country, not Cedar Rapids or Iowa, but the United States. For five months. And Micah depends on me very much. Between Martin and I, I tend to have more patience with Micah and I see him much more than Martin does as we work together every day and sleep in the same room. I've been trying to figure out how to make him understand that I won't be in the same country as him for almost half a year, that he'll be sleeping when I'm awake and that he won't be able to talk to me every day like he usually does (sometimes with multiple phone calls) and I'm coming up short.

A relationship with someone like Micah really is an incredible thing; to have someone who will always love and trust you unconditionally, without any reservations or predispositions. It's just love and trust, pure and simple. But it's so much more complex at the same time. Micah won't change, but his world will. In the same way that I'll be leaving for a while, Mom and Dad will inevitably leave too, and they won't come back. What will happen then? How will Micah survive? This has weighed on me very heavily for a while. While I know that he will be taken care of (most likely by myself) after Mom and Dad are gone, I really don't have a clue how to handle that transition for him. He's a planner! Micah plans everything out, down to the minute. When he will do something, what he will eat... he will not even work ahead on projects at work if he's got extra time. He has to wait until the allotted time when he is 'supposed' to do it. It's admirable, really. But do you see my issue? It's funny; most people who read this will never understand my struggle here. Only a few people are blessed to have people like Micah in their family, but I think this is a curse we all share as well. I will never call you lucky, though; I'm the lucky one. My brother is amazing in his innocence and wonder. He doesn't know how to read, but he can remember a small occurence from years ago that the rest of us have forgotten and he'll bring it up during dinner when it fits completely with the current conversation. He leaves messes everywhere and he has sever oppositional defiance disorder which makes him a nightmare to deal with, but neither I or my family would trade anything to have it be any different, in the end.

Micah doesn't change, but we all need to. His world changes seasons very slowly, while we find ourselves trying to hold the turning of the seasons back as much as possible to shelter him from the heartache to come. The passing of years and people and how Micah will cope is my greatest fear. I'm even worried about how Micah will cope when Grandma dies; he already has such a difficult time with her leaving and not knowing if that'll be the last time he sees her. What about when one of the dogs dies? What if dad isn't able to get healthy enough and has a heart attack or stroke? Normal people can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when a loved family member dies. Will that happen with him? Could that be amplified with him? How would that change him?

How will I be able to deal with these changes and the ending of life? Micah's sorrow will be much greater to see, but I will feel it just as much too. Can I handle, as the song goes, the changing ocean's tides, the seasons of my life... and his? Because I will have to be able to. I'm a man, and part of me believes I can, but mostly I'm just scared.

Lord, give me your arm for the impending moments of change in life, that I may lean on you when all that I am as a man is not enough to carry the weight of my world and my brother's world. Give me just an ounce of your resolve, and I will gladly bear the burden. Bestow on me the graciousness of your comfort, that I may be encouraged by your promise that nothing will be too difficult for me to overcome. And bless Micah. Bless him and the rest of my family, abundantly. Lord, how they deserve it.

Sorrow into Beauty

'A day once dawned; and it was beautiful. A day once dawned from the ground...'

I just finished watching '127 Hours' a little bit ago. I was speechless at the end. And bawling. Not gonna lie. I don't think it was so much the whole 'cutting off his arm to survive' bit that touched me so much. I knew all of that was gonna happen.

It was the joy. The joy of life.

'Then the night, she fell. And the air was beautiful. The night, she fell all around...'

I was in a place once where I couldn't find much joy in life. Hopeless. It seems so distant and foreign a feeling to me now. The me now still can't fully understand what the me then was dealing with. But since that dark time I search out movies like '127 Hours'. I look for and read novels that are not so much about a grand adventure the main character experiences with others as the journey that happens within. These books and movies may not be exactly happy; and that's ok. I in fact find a lot of comfort in somber moments. They remind me sharply of this very real, finite world I live in. They remind me that every moment I live is full of miracles, and that every breath I take speaks God's name. I love somber beauty because it helps me to appreciate all of the many other types of beauty in my life so much more. If you can find beauty in the darker moments of your life, then the moments of joy should blind you.

'So look see the days; the endless colored ways. Go play the game that you learned from the morning.'

Somber songs do the same thing. There is a raw beauty in these chords I listen to late at night with the lights off. Loss is one of the strongest emotions we are capable of, and I feel that emotions are to be explored. One who doesn't know their emotions and how to handle them doesn't know himself. Whence solemnity was my downfall, it is now the source of all the passion I feel and love and peace come from that passion.

'...and now we rise. And we are everywhere. And now we rise from the ground.'

There is this popular notion that one should turn their eyes from sorrow and embrace joy, but I don't think joy can be accomplished without experiencing sorrow. God the Son himself came down to earth to experience sorrow so that our joy would be accomplished. I find great comfort in that. If I had never experienced sorrow, I would not be able to perceive great depths of joy. Isn't that so ironic? You are forced outside of your former self, as if an opaque shadow, to be confronted with these experiences that jar you back into yourself. But when you return, you are wiser. You see with new eyes. It is not that the world has changed. You have. Your senses have been elevated by your time outside. You return to yourself and you are yourself but not.

'See, she flies; and she is everywhere. See, she flies all around.'

The only conclusion I can draw from this then is that the trials and suffering that jar us out of ourselves should be anticipated and welcomed. After all, we are growing to appreciate life more and more this way, right? Sorrow and pain are not bad; they can be beautiful catalysts for joy and passion in our lives. Every little stumble is an opportunity for us to invite God to come in and open our eyes a little bit more. If we allow ourselves, we will fall into grace and back into our true selves.

'So look see the sights; the endless summer nights. And go play the game that you learned from the morning.' - Nick Drake, From the Morning

Not-So-Coincidental Coincidences

You know how you sometimes have those experiences of coincidences, or deja vu, that thrust two seemingly completely different aspects of your life together? I love those moments. Finding ways that I can draw all the different experiences of my life into a common theme helps me make sense of the insensible and find purpose in those, at first random, little day-to-day happenings. I try to search out these moments but have found time and time again that they are revealed to me always when I least expect them. As I've been stumbling across many of them recently I feel compelled to share them.

I spent a good portion of last evening catching up on some reading, particularly 'The Power of Myth' by Joseph Campbell. A fascinating book, but I don't have time to expound upon it's great importance right now. In this particular section, Campbell is talking about the changing in the importantce of spiritual principles as society grows and progresses forward in technological advancements. He says, 'You can tell what's informing a society by what the tallest building is. When you approach a medieval town, the cathedral is the tallest thing in the place. When you approach an eighteenth-century town, it is the political palace that's the tallest thing in the place. And when you approach a modern city, the tallest places are the office buildings, the centers of economic life.' Not only is this a representation of technology overcoming spiritualism, but it is also a mark of man overcoming nature, a paradoxical mistake as we cannot control nature nor can we survive without it. As we thrust ourselves further away from nature and spirituality, we slowly lose the meaning of their purpose in our lives and our lives become purposeless.
Not more than an hour later, I watched a lesser-known movie I came accross on Netflix titled 'Spring Forward' (to be honest, I partly chose it because I thought it would be ironically hilarious to watch such an aptly titled movie on the eve of Daylight Savings Time), made years ago and starring Ned Beatty and Liev  Schreiber. The two play an older and younger man whose relationship evolves throughout the course of the  movie through examining their interaction as they work together. A lot of the conversations include interjections by Liev's character with musings on mysticism and how the spiritual, or unconscious, plays into the conscious man's world. Really just a fascinating movie; I highly recommend it. Anyway, Liev brings up the same exact thing Campbell did, practically verbatim. He ends saying, 'There's no room in society for spiritualism now... Maybe that's why men feel empty at their jobs.' What are the odds that I would come across the same motif in such seemingly random, unconnected ways?

This afternoon, I was continuing my reading in a different book, 'Alchemical Psychology' by Thom Cavalli, and came accross a section in which he talked about Aristotle's belief that 'the world is borne out of one archetypal form from which all things enter into palpable manifestation when they have multiplied four times. One is the absolute reality represented by stone, two is the level of opposites, three brings us outside the parameters of ordinary time, and four returns us, renewed and aware, to the realm of reality... in which consciousness returns, fully integrated, enlightened and filled with light.' I was immediately reminded of St. Augustine's Four States of Human Freedom, a concept I learned about a few weeks ago in my World Religions class. These are the four states:
1. The Innocent Man: Humans were able to sin, and not able to sin. This was the state of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden before the Fall. Remember that Adam was formed from the earth, and he was in one accord with God and nature.
2. The Fallen Man: Humans are not able not to sin. This is basically Original Sin: since the Fall, every man is born into this state in which we are definitively separated from divinity through sin, and sin is the opposite of all that God is.
3. The Regenerate Man: Humans regain the ability not to sin. This is the Christian, who has the presence of the Holy Spirit in his heart. Though we do not become sinless at this state, we have entered into a state of enlightenment which cannot be attained by the Fallen Man.
4. The Glorified Man: Humans are unable to sin. This state happens when you enter Heaven, as sin does not exist in Heaven. The second coming of Christ will bring about a new Heaven and a new Earth, which I see as the return to the first state but fully integrated and enlightened, ergo us being back in the Garden of Eden but unable to sin.

Though Cavalli does not allude to this connection and connects Aristotle's theory to different principles, I couldn't help but see the correlation. There is also an adverse correlation between these two examples of coincidence that I have just realized. The first one examined humanity's regression from spirituality and purpose, while the second example examined humanity's progression toward spirituality and purpose. The decisive factor is the salvation that was won through the act of Jesus Christ dying on the cross and the acceptance of this salvation into our hearts.
I find this over-arching theme simply fascinating and can't but marvel at the way in which God works. As I continue along my path, I will strive to keep learning as much as I can whilst keeping my mind and heart open so that I can recognize the ties that bind the randomocity of my life together in increasing awareness of God's plan for me.

Himalaya Bound

Some of you may have gathered from my teasers the last few days that I'm planning on doing something next year that I believe will be truly life-changing. I've waited to actually divulge any details until I recieved finite confirmation that the opportunity was available to me and also so I could tell my family first. I feel they wouldn't be very appreciatve if I told all my friends about a choice like this before them : )

I've been wanting for a long time to go on a mission trip, for all of the same reasons you yourself have gone on or found value in them. My problem was not ever being able to figure out when and how it would be accomplished (basically the same problem everyone has with those sorts of things). Well, time and resources have been made available to me and I'm grasping the chance while I have it.

Next February, I will be moving to India. For five months. I will be going by myself and not with a specific group or missionary team, though there will be an ever-changing community at the place I will be living. I am going through International Volunteer Headquarters (IVHQ), a reputable, affordable and high-quality organization that sends over 3,000 people abroad to help others annually. This is not a Christian/mission organization, though that detail doesn't matter a whole bunch to me. I am a Christian no matter what organization I work through, and I show that through my words, actions and demeanor. Each and every time you interact with someone is a mission trip, if you think about it. This is no different; just a new group of people to serve! And I'm going to be serving children. I'll be doing childcare work: engaging with street kids and those from low income families while their parents work during the day and teaching some english, helping them learn basic life skills and lessons and really just caring for them by spending active time with  them.

I'll be moving to the northeastern city of Palampur, the tea leaf capital of northern India. It's located right at the foot of the Himalayas with beautiful scenery and, of course, rich culture. The home of the Dalai Llama and the seat of  the exiled government of Tibet, Dharamsala, is only about 20 miles away. As I mentioned, I'll be leaving at the end of February. I could have chosen any length of time to stay over there, from two weeks to a year if I wanted. I'm going to volunteer in the childcare program for four months, and then spend a couple of weeks backpacking accross the southern parts of India and come back to the States towards the end of June.

And that's my plan! I'm extremely excited about this opportunity, and I'm glad to be able to share it with all of you. God has truly been amazing to me, and I can't but marvel at the way He puts all of the pieces in order when you never expect them to. Since I'll accomplish my AA at the end of this year, I will be at a natural stopping point before transferring to finish my BA, which I will do when I return for fall semester next year. I am also blessed to have a full time job, and I will be moving back to my parents' house (sharing a room with Micah! He's absolutely stoked) at the end of April when my lease is up. With the money I will save from this and working full time, I am able to pay for almost the whole trip, all extraneous monetary endeavors applied, without any personal financial strain. Through careful financial planning, I will not be short of my estimated by more than five hundred or so dollars.The organization will provide fundraising opportunities that should afford the rest of what I will not be able to make alone, so I'm not really worried about that whole aspect of things. I value all of you friends and only request support in the form of prayers and encouragement as I undertake this endeavor. If you decide to donate money to my cause, I would of course not refuse you but do not, by any means, feel it obligatory.  Your prayers and well-wishes are more than enough to reaffirm my mission and provide the emotional support I need.

I will post more updates as I get more information on the trip and everything else. As I only just got approved, I have not yet recieved my information packet but when I do I'll clue you in.

India, here I come!!!

One Year From Now...

This is my first divulgence to anyone, including my family... I'll tell them soon! Anyway:

I'm in the process of making plans for a HUGE event next year. I have no hesitation in stating that, if everything works out, I am on my way to a truly life-changing experience one year from now. I don't want to state what I'm planning on doing until everything gets worked out and finalized, but I will mention that I have decided after much deliberation not to transfer straight to Mt. Mercy to finish my Bachelor's after I get my AA at the end of this year. And I'll tease you with this thought: you won't be able to see me for a couple of months..... : D

What is it? What could this craziness be about? Time will tell!