Starting Over

Well, I'm back.

I didn't like my first attempt to blog at all, so I scrapped everything and am starting anew. This is really a reinvention for me in a lot of ways. Not only am I reclaiming the joy of writing that I lost for so long, but through a rediscovering of what fulfills me I am finding that my entire focus on personal fulfillment has shifted. Back to this in a bit.

Being the first post of this blog, I think it's mandated somewhere that this be the 'this is who I am!' post. Instead of waxing poetic on how I grew up and what type of candy tickles my fancy, I'll assume anyone reading this already knows a bit about who I've been. I'm going to tell you who I am now.

I. Am. Busy. So freaking busy.

And it's fantastic.

Working full time and going to school full time is something I never thought I'd be able to do. The many issues surrounding the traditional school years I went through did much to inhibit the possibility I would ever be a normal student. I was a mess for years, in a lot of ways, and I believed I was ill-suited for learning. Of course, there were so many deeper issues I hadn't dealt with that it's a wonder now that I ever passed any of my classes in high school. It's amazing how much of a toll emotional strain and stress can take on you in a society that expects things a certain way. When you don't fit the mold, it's so hard to keep up. Thankfully, I know now that the traditonal path wasn't meant for me and would have hurt me even more if I didn't get out. So here I am, almost 24 and working on my AA. Experience, trust and learning to let go have helped me become capable of being myself again.

 I have realized that I think, and therefore I am. I have realized that because I am, there is One who is greater than me. This One who is greater than me must be my creator, and He must be 'the' Creator. I have realized that I have free will, and I have used that free will to hand it over to the Creator, for the Creator will guide me down the paths that lead to Him. The path I have chosen to take is not the path the world takes. This path is untraditional and rocky. It isn't straight and smooth but long and winding and sometimes imperceptible to me. Sometimes I take detours that converge with the world's path and I tarry there a while, mingling and running on the smoothness and derisively sauntering past the little segways to the thin rocky path. Inevitably, though, I am drawn back down one of them and find myself back on the narrow way. I am able to walk on both paths, as all people are. I find myself more knowledgable about the world, because I am able to stand on my path and gaze at the world's path. I find myself connected more deeply with the Creator, because I have learned that the smooth wide path with no need for a guide can trip me up more than the narrow rocky path that requires help. I need the rocky path and the Creator to guide me and, by choosing the rocky path, I have gotten further along the road to Deep Love than I ever would have by choosing the smooth path.

I read a while back that if you want to find the career that you can be fully passionate about, you need to think back to the time you were a child and had no worries and rediscover what you did during those times that made you completely content. I struggled for a long time to reclaim that contentedness, and eventually went back to the days of Book-It and the other school reading programs. Reading made me happy. It was being able to learn about anything that excited me. No rules, no requirements. Just my imagination and me. This was a somewhat ironic discovery, because I've always been a slow reader and I have ADHD, so it can be assumed that I didn't read very much. When I was going through my troubles in high school and beyond, the joy of reading all but left me. Yet here I am again, coming around full circle. Because of my refusal to accept anything but what was deemed 'normal', I was trapping myself on the path of deception with the inability to see the segways of release. It has only been after a long, long trip that I am now able to stand outside the world and reclaim my passion. I have found release in reading and have even started writing again. I have learned that writing heals me, and I know that if it can heal me then it can heal others. There are many stumbling along the smooth path, and through my intimate knowledge of tripping the Creator can work through me to correct their footing and lead them along the segways to the rocky and sure path. The assuredness of this decision still (and probably always will) floods my soul with contentment.

Then I deemed to revisit my earlier plan of pursuing psychology. I realized that I hold a compassion and empathy for others that the Creator doesn't want me to waste; that these feelings cannot be ignored. I am self-centered through human nature but selfless through Godly nature. Godly nature has given us gifts that are utilized to show the glory of the Creator here on earth, and I believe that listening to others and helping them sort through them is a Godly gift that can't be ignored. I decided then to continue pursuing psychology. These decisions have led me to this place: A double major in English and Psychology. I have decided to pursue a masters in Marriage and Family Counseling and write on the side, and now am going to school full time to accomplish this feat. At almost 24, I am starting over and I am succeeding.

And it has never felt more right.

Thus (re)begins my journey to Deep Love.