One of the great delights in my life right now is getting to live at home and spend so much time with my family. Having lived on my own for so long before, it was pretty difficult to run straight back into the chaos that is my family and our home. And it really is chaotic sometimes. We have a huge issue with teaching Micah how to change bad habits. Hence, messes and piles tend to build up pretty quickly here. Add to that that Dad does pretty much the same thing (Micah inhereted his trends), and it's usually not clean here. We've worked very hard to change these habits, but I think it'll be a while before the right ways really sink in. They will, though! I have faith that things will continue to get better and better for my family and God's grace is showing in so many small ways. There's just that one little issue... Micah.
See, Micah doesn't change. It's extremely difficult for him. This puts some stress into my family as he can be very difficult to deal with when things change and he can't figure out how to adapt. I've been thinking about Micah a lot lately, because there are going to be changes coming up soon that will shake up his world, and I don't know how he will handle it. I'm going to be leaving the country, not Cedar Rapids or Iowa, but the United States. For five months. And Micah depends on me very much. Between Martin and I, I tend to have more patience with Micah and I see him much more than Martin does as we work together every day and sleep in the same room. I've been trying to figure out how to make him understand that I won't be in the same country as him for almost half a year, that he'll be sleeping when I'm awake and that he won't be able to talk to me every day like he usually does (sometimes with multiple phone calls) and I'm coming up short.
A relationship with someone like Micah really is an incredible thing; to have someone who will always love and trust you unconditionally, without any reservations or predispositions. It's just love and trust, pure and simple. But it's so much more complex at the same time. Micah won't change, but his world will. In the same way that I'll be leaving for a while, Mom and Dad will inevitably leave too, and they won't come back. What will happen then? How will Micah survive? This has weighed on me very heavily for a while. While I know that he will be taken care of (most likely by myself) after Mom and Dad are gone, I really don't have a clue how to handle that transition for him. He's a planner! Micah plans everything out, down to the minute. When he will do something, what he will eat... he will not even work ahead on projects at work if he's got extra time. He has to wait until the allotted time when he is 'supposed' to do it. It's admirable, really. But do you see my issue? It's funny; most people who read this will never understand my struggle here. Only a few people are blessed to have people like Micah in their family, but I think this is a curse we all share as well. I will never call you lucky, though; I'm the lucky one. My brother is amazing in his innocence and wonder. He doesn't know how to read, but he can remember a small occurence from years ago that the rest of us have forgotten and he'll bring it up during dinner when it fits completely with the current conversation. He leaves messes everywhere and he has sever oppositional defiance disorder which makes him a nightmare to deal with, but neither I or my family would trade anything to have it be any different, in the end.
Micah doesn't change, but we all need to. His world changes seasons very slowly, while we find ourselves trying to hold the turning of the seasons back as much as possible to shelter him from the heartache to come. The passing of years and people and how Micah will cope is my greatest fear. I'm even worried about how Micah will cope when Grandma dies; he already has such a difficult time with her leaving and not knowing if that'll be the last time he sees her. What about when one of the dogs dies? What if dad isn't able to get healthy enough and has a heart attack or stroke? Normal people can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when a loved family member dies. Will that happen with him? Could that be amplified with him? How would that change him?
How will I be able to deal with these changes and the ending of life? Micah's sorrow will be much greater to see, but I will feel it just as much too. Can I handle, as the song goes, the changing ocean's tides, the seasons of my life... and his? Because I will have to be able to. I'm a man, and part of me believes I can, but mostly I'm just scared.
Lord, give me your arm for the impending moments of change in life, that I may lean on you when all that I am as a man is not enough to carry the weight of my world and my brother's world. Give me just an ounce of your resolve, and I will gladly bear the burden. Bestow on me the graciousness of your comfort, that I may be encouraged by your promise that nothing will be too difficult for me to overcome. And bless Micah. Bless him and the rest of my family, abundantly. Lord, how they deserve it.
