And the Many Shall Become One.... or something like that.

As I may have alluded to previously, I've been cleaning out the attic room in my parents' house so that I can store all of my belongings in there, and get them out of the living room that they've been sitting in since April. In the process of moving things up there, I've gotten the chance to come across possessions that I've completely forgotten about since living back at home; ones that I couldn't live without on my own. There have also been pictures from the past, showing myself as a younger, more mischievous and dashing (if I do say so myself!) little schmoozer as well as toys, old papers from high school... all different snapshots of my life.

There is this popular notion that we only show one or two facets of ourselves to other people. There are certain ways we act around certain people, depending on our relationship with them or what the social etiquette of the situation dictates. Therefore, few people rarely see all of our different personalities. I've been having a sort of 'jolting' experience recently, going through things. I've been able to reminisce on the kind of person I grew up being, how I  behaved and what I felt about certain things. There was a necessity that predicated the use of certain things in my apartment that is nonexistent now, and I've realized I had to be a different sort of person when I lived on my own. In fact, I've had to be a different person for myself in every aspect of my life. I've just never really thought about how those different people are all still me. Of course, I've changed over time, and there are certain things about myself that I choose to leave behind. After all, how would I grow then? Essentially, I've been having this great opportunity to look back on the different experiences and shades of my personality, glean what I can from the bad ones and discard them, move forward and consolidate, until all the best parts of myself are left. Those are the parts that God then takes and shapes.

And man, he's been doing a lot of  shaping recently.

It's amazing what Christians can learn from people who don't believe in God, isn't it? In this book about Liberty University that I'm reading, the author (who's not Christian) spends a semester at Liberty learning about what really goes on, how people and the 'system' work in such an isolated environment. And you know what he does? He finds the merit in praying and starts doing it for at least half an hour a day! Mind you, he still doesn't really believe in the power that prayer works through our lives on a spiritual level, but he dedicates a half an hour every day to praying for any and everyone he can think of. How many Christians do that?! I certainly don't, and here I am getting schooled by someone who doesn't even believe in Jesus. God has been taking moments like these, taking the best parts of my life, and holding them up to me, as in a mirror. He's challenging me, urging me to take it a step further. My prayer life is one facet. My relationship with Peggy is another. My church life is a further one.

I can't express how difficult it has been to find a home church. First, I must stress that, for a number of years, I didn't go to church consistently at all. The growth in my faith happened chiefly between myself and God. It was another facet of my life that didn't really branch into any community, but now I've found a church that has that and, though it is not traditional, I am confident in this place. Here again, God has been holding up a mirror to me, saying 'This is how far you've come, and it's fantastic. Now, take it up a notch'. It was a struggle at first, and I let doubt creep in, reverting to my old ways and lacking self-confidence, worrying about the repercussions of my decision. It's been a mini-culmination of this experience that's come to light in me recently. I say 'mini', because it's still going on and always will be. But it's certainly been a culmination, and a culmination of blessings at that. My eyes have been opened to the blessings in my life more recently than ever before, and it is the realization of these blessings that have allowed me to start blending my joys together and allow the shaping of my soul to escalate. From the furtherence of my prayer life, to the absolutely inspiring blessing that is my girlfriend, to the assurance of community, I can see all of these combining and leading back to one person: God, the One it is all centered around. As it should be.What greater purpose can there be than to live life fully and completely, with ALL of who you are, for the One who created and redeemed you, to be a beacon for that grace and love to everyone you encounter?

On a somewhat different, but still connected, note, isn't fall amazing? Actually, I prefer 'autumn', as it's a much more poetic term. You can't deny that these days of autumn immediately bring back memories of years before. Somehow, we always remember the best things, like apple orchards, cider, changing leaves, the smell! and seek to relive them and share them with the people around us. Sounds suspiciously familiar... that old know-it-all up there! What a ridiculously funky and amazing God we have.

Someone find me a Man!

So, I'm reading this book called 'The Unlikely Disciple', about a guy's one-semester reconnaisance mission to discover what really goes on at Liberty University (read: ultra-conservative, young-creation literalistic teaching mecca that strives to prepare the up-and-coming Christian to confront our individualistic, selfish world). It's a fascinating read, and already I've asked myself a huge question: why the hell haven't I done what these kids do? I'm a Christian, right? I pray, I do devotions and study my bible, right? Well, that last bit is only partly true: I had a heck of a time getting into doing devotions and reading the bible. And that's what frustrated me. Still frustrates me. Devotions are not easy to get into, and for some reason there's a smokescreen in the way of picking up that bible every day. Even with the ability to have any book/verse of the bible at my fingertip in seconds, I've rarely taken advantage.

And don't get me started on bible studies. I still have yet to find one and stick with it. What's my issue? Every one I've been to has been great, full of good people and good messages. I go a few weeks, don't go back again. I can't seem to shake my restlesness and settle. Or is that really it? Maybe I feel that, if I pick one and stick to it, I'm settling. Also, I have the hardest time talking to guys. Girls are easy, because they listen freely and somehow know exactly what to say. But I don't need another girl to listen to me, I need a guy to.  Someone who knows what I know, who struggles with what I struggle with. Guys just don't really fit into that mold, though, and I'm frankly insecure around other Christian men to the point where I feel ridiculous talking about myself and my struggles. Nevertheless, the need is there, and it is starting to overflow.

What do I have to do to find a good guy mentor around here, huh?

The kids at schools like Liberty have it so easy. Their lives on campus are structured around that kind of community. I'm not saying I'd go to Liberty, but man I want that structure so in-your-face in my life I want to scream. It's so much harder to do what is necessary for your personal spiritual fulfillment when you're right in the middle of the real world and have never had that. High school didn't provide that for me. Concordia didn't provide that for me, sad to say. Yes, I made wonderful friends and the opportunity was there, but I don't feel like I ever grabbed at it. If I had, I'd have much closer connections to my guy friends from there but the closest I get is a phone call every month or so. Lame. But Concordia never forced me to be accountable. I need to be forced, and I want to be forced.

I've been a bit of a loner in my Christian faith in a lot of ways, and having not had a stable church for years and having to deal with the things I've dealt with made it so easy for me to just bear it on my own. Tackle the problems with just me and God, one-on-one in the fighting rink. Really, that worked out pretty well towards it's purpose. But now I've grown and evolved, and God is telling me that it's time to get out there and share the wealth, maybe receive a little (ok, a LOT) in return. But it's hard for me to do. It's hard to ask for help, to show vulnerability and trust to another man. Also, I've had to do my fair share of making decisions about my faith and whether to trust in God or in my own abilities. Simple answer in the end, really. But now I'm having to make choices within the spiritual sphere and it's a lot more difficult. I know that I should just let God decide, and in the end I know that'll end up happening in a way that will be revealed retrospectively. But I'm so impatient to find other men to talk with and so scared at the same time that I'm being pulled two different directions. I think I'm screwing myself over.

I found my Confirmation verse the other day; it's Psalm 27:1: 'The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid...' Can you say 'punctual delivery from God'? Well, message received. First of all, I find it powerful and a little funny how much that verse seems to be meant for me. Secondly, I guess it's time to stop being afraid... of myself. Guys don't like to give up control, but we're all incapable of control in the end. The only real control in our lives comes from God, who gives us the ability to handle the trials we encounter for the purpose of realizing and reflecting his glory. To reflect His glory brings about the emergence of one's deepest joy, and that's where the mark or a true man of God comes from. So here I am, taking a leap of faith in my journey to deep love, saying that I'm ready for a Godly intervention. It's time to lose control and get me some manly fellowship, so I can be manly in all the right ways.