So, I'm reading this book called 'The Unlikely Disciple', about a guy's one-semester reconnaisance mission to discover what really goes on at Liberty University (read: ultra-conservative, young-creation literalistic teaching mecca that strives to prepare the up-and-coming Christian to confront our individualistic, selfish world). It's a fascinating read, and already I've asked myself a huge question: why the hell haven't I done what these kids do? I'm a Christian, right? I pray, I do devotions and study my bible, right? Well, that last bit is only partly true: I had a heck of a time getting into doing devotions and reading the bible. And that's what frustrated me. Still frustrates me. Devotions are not easy to get into, and for some reason there's a smokescreen in the way of picking up that bible every day. Even with the ability to have any book/verse of the bible at my fingertip in seconds, I've rarely taken advantage.
And don't get me started on bible studies. I still have yet to find one and stick with it. What's my issue? Every one I've been to has been great, full of good people and good messages. I go a few weeks, don't go back again. I can't seem to shake my restlesness and settle. Or is that really it? Maybe I feel that, if I pick one and stick to it, I'm settling. Also, I have the hardest time talking to guys. Girls are easy, because they listen freely and somehow know exactly what to say. But I don't need another girl to listen to me, I need a guy to. Someone who knows what I know, who struggles with what I struggle with. Guys just don't really fit into that mold, though, and I'm frankly insecure around other Christian men to the point where I feel ridiculous talking about myself and my struggles. Nevertheless, the need is there, and it is starting to overflow.
What do I have to do to find a good guy mentor around here, huh?
The kids at schools like Liberty have it so easy. Their lives on campus are structured around that kind of community. I'm not saying I'd go to Liberty, but man I want that structure so in-your-face in my life I want to scream. It's so much harder to do what is necessary for your personal spiritual fulfillment when you're right in the middle of the real world and have never had that. High school didn't provide that for me. Concordia didn't provide that for me, sad to say. Yes, I made wonderful friends and the opportunity was there, but I don't feel like I ever grabbed at it. If I had, I'd have much closer connections to my guy friends from there but the closest I get is a phone call every month or so. Lame. But Concordia never forced me to be accountable. I need to be forced, and I want to be forced.
I've been a bit of a loner in my Christian faith in a lot of ways, and having not had a stable church for years and having to deal with the things I've dealt with made it so easy for me to just bear it on my own. Tackle the problems with just me and God, one-on-one in the fighting rink. Really, that worked out pretty well towards it's purpose. But now I've grown and evolved, and God is telling me that it's time to get out there and share the wealth, maybe receive a little (ok, a LOT) in return. But it's hard for me to do. It's hard to ask for help, to show vulnerability and trust to another man. Also, I've had to do my fair share of making decisions about my faith and whether to trust in God or in my own abilities. Simple answer in the end, really. But now I'm having to make choices within the spiritual sphere and it's a lot more difficult. I know that I should just let God decide, and in the end I know that'll end up happening in a way that will be revealed retrospectively. But I'm so impatient to find other men to talk with and so scared at the same time that I'm being pulled two different directions. I think I'm screwing myself over.
I found my Confirmation verse the other day; it's Psalm 27:1: 'The Lord is my Light and my Salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid...' Can you say 'punctual delivery from God'? Well, message received. First of all, I find it powerful and a little funny how much that verse seems to be meant for me. Secondly, I guess it's time to stop being afraid... of myself. Guys don't like to give up control, but we're all incapable of control in the end. The only real control in our lives comes from God, who gives us the ability to handle the trials we encounter for the purpose of realizing and reflecting his glory. To reflect His glory brings about the emergence of one's deepest joy, and that's where the mark or a true man of God comes from. So here I am, taking a leap of faith in my journey to deep love, saying that I'm ready for a Godly intervention. It's time to lose control and get me some manly fellowship, so I can be manly in all the right ways.
Dear Aaron, I know the struggle of which you speak. I have a similar problem, but from a feminine perspective with regard to my female counterparts. I have been looking for an older and wiser woman to mentor me for years. They come and go for very short periods of time and I find the younger women looking to me for mentorship. I happen to be in a dry and desert place once again. What I have learned is that God gives me what I need, perhaps more than what I want, and at this moment, He has taught me that what I need is more of Him. Sooo, I'm not sure if this helps, but I am reading the bible as much as time permits, sometimes more and sometimes less, and as Paul states so beautifully, "learning how to be content in any and all circumstances." Not easy by any stretch, but well worth the effort. Have you read Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest" or Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life?" They both are shorter style devotionals, but allow the time for meditation and prayer and reflection. Also, I know that if you were to contact Wes Dafler, he might be able to shed some light on your situation. Sending prayers for you and your dear family always, Your friend, Cathy Geiger.
ReplyDeleteCathy, I don't know if I've ever told you this before but I believe you are the epitome of 'matronly', and I mean that in the very best way possible. I think it's difficult to admit to ourselves that we struggle and always need guidance, and it always amazes me (though it shouldn't) to hear about such icons of faith struggling and doubting (like Mother Theresa, for example). Then I must remember that all models of faith in the Bible and since have doubted and it brings me great comfort.
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough, I am currently using 'My Utmost for His Highest' for my personal devotions. It is a wonderful devotional, and has been very helpful for me. I will definitely keep Wes in mind, and my very well chat him up. I have great respect and admiration for him, and for you as well. Thank you for telling me about your struggle; it's good for me to hear. Please know that you yourself, in your struggle, are a light for those you meet and minister to. You have made such an impression on me, and God shines through you! - Aaron